HOW TO KNIT A BABY EAR FLAP HAT, Instructions in WORDS

Knitting in English Jenny Hardy’s Baby Ear Flap Hat

My goal was to knit a hat like this one, but I was unable to find a useful pattern online, so I’ve decided to create one. I have a difficult time deciphering knitting abbreviations so this pattern will be written in English words.

I prefer patterns which offer an overview of the general steps of the project to help me understand what I am knitting when. This way, I can make adjustments as desired.

This pattern created this hat. (It was my fourth attempt)

Materials:
Wool: I use worsted weight wool. My preference is Wool of the Andes from KnitPicks. (It’s soft enough to not need a lining, but it should be hand washed and air dried.)
Needles: I used 4 size 5 double pointed needles (5” long) for the ear flaps, for the top of the crown and for the ties. For the body of the hat, I knit in the round with size 5 16” circular needles.
Markers: Very handy for row counts and patterns. You can use yarn.
Others: Small crochet needle (US ½-.35 mm or larger,) scissors, and measuring tape

Steps:
1. Knit two ear flaps
2. Connect the ear flaps to the base of the hat
3. Knit the body, in the round or straight. If knitting straight, knit one row, pearl one row for a stockinette pattern.
4. Decrease for the crown of the hat, the top third.
5. Finish and close the top
6. If knit straight, stitch the back seam.
7. Knit the ties from/for the ear flaps.
8. Knit tassels for the ties.
9. Make a tassel or pom pom for the top, optional.
10. Pull in yarn tails.


Here is a baby head size chart I found online:

Sizing and Stitch Count:
My goal was to knit a hat to fit a 6-month-old baby whose head measures 17’. When I cast on:
86 stitches the hat measured 16 inches, too small
98 stiches the hat measured 17 inches, I had to steam it to fit
102 stiches the hat measured 18 inches-let’s hope it fits!
110 stiches the hat measured 18.5 inches, too big!


Distribution of stitches: (here I guessed based on the ratio of the pattern I found online)
Total back flap front flap back
86 6 20 34 20 6
98 8 22 38 22 8
102 10 22 38 22 10 -this is what I used
110 10 24 42 24 10

Starting the 102 stitch hat:
Knit the 2 ear flaps first
Using 2 #5 double pointed needles…
1. Cast on 3 stitches. Cast on in such a way that when you reverse your needle, you can pearl those three stiches without the first loop coming loose. (If the first stitch comes loose, start again, reversing the direction of the cast on loops.)
2. Row 1: Pearl those three stitches-you have 3 stitches.
3. Row 2: Increase: Reverse and knit the next row. Knit one stitch, then knit the front and back of the middle stitch, knit the last stitch-you now have 4 stitches.
4. Row 3: Reverse and pearl those 4 stitches.
5. Row 4: Increase: Reverse and knit the front and back of the second and third stitches- you now have 6 stitches,
6. Row 5: Pearl the next row
7. Continue with this pattern until you have 22 stitches on the needle. Knit the front and back of the second and second to last stich in each knit row.
8. Row 22: End after this pearl row

TIPS: Always increase on a knit row and always knit the front side first when knitting front and back to increase.

9. Once you have 22 stitches on the needle, cut the yarn and put it aside. Knit the second ear flap in the same way using a third double pointed needle. (It’s easier to transfer to the circular needle later from a double pointed than from waste yarn, IMHO.)

Knitting the body of the hat:

10. Once both ear flaps are complete, find your circular needle and cast on the back stitches, 10. Cut your yarn, yes-cut it, and then slide on one ear flap’s stitches, pearl side facing you. Then cast on the front stitches, 38, cut the yarn, slide on the second ear flap, pearl side facing, then cast on the remaining back stitches, 10. You should have 102 stitches on your needle.

TIP: It’s important to keep the new cast on stitches from rolling upside down and around. Straighten them as you knit.

11. Row 1: Turn the knitting to the knit side (front). Knit one round, taking care to keep your cast on stitches straight.
12. Place a marker at the end of each row to make sure you know where your rows end.
13. Row 2: Knit the second row, (no need to pearl of you are knitting in the round. If you are using straight needles or turning your circular needle, pearl every other row.)
14. Rows 3-40: Knit. If a PATTERN is desired, it should happen here. I’ll describe mine below.
15. Continue knitting in the round, moving the place marker at the end of each row, until the body of the hat measures 5”, about 40 rows. This is about 2/3 of the hat.

Knitting the crown

Decrease overview: the decrease of stitches to round the top of the hat will begin now for the last 20 rows. I got this information from Roxanne Richardson on YouTube. Not sure how she calculated the number of decrease rows, but I followed her video instructions and I think they worked well.

16. Begin the decrease on row 1 of the last 20. Knit 2 stitches, then knit 2 together, repeating the pattern until the end of the row.
17. Knit 8 rows without decreasing.
18. Decrease again, knit 1 then knit 2 together until the end of the row.
19. Knit 4 rows without decreasing.
20. Decrease again, knit 1 then knit 2 together until the end of the row.
21. Knit 2 rows without decreasing.
22. Decrease again, knit 2, then knit 2 together. Here I switched to double ended needles. I used 4 needles, 3 needles to hold the stitches and 1 to knit with. I knit onto them from the circular needles to avoid any transfer.
23. Knit 1 row without decreasing.
24. Knit the final rounds: knit 2 together until there are 6-9 stitches remaining or 1 to 1 ½ inches of stitches on the needle. The goal is have few enough stitches to be able to pull them together to close the hole at the top completely.
25. Use a tapestry needle to cast off the remaining stitches onto the cut yarn tail. Pull the yarn tightly through the stitches to close the hole. Knot on the inside, cut the tail and weave it into the knitting inside the hat.

Finishing:

Jobs to do:
1. Weave your yarn tail ends from any color changes after knotting them, into the knitting. Trim excess tails.
2. Steam iron your hat to smooth out curling edges and ear flaps. I use the ‘wool’ setting.
3. Knit ties at the end of each ear flap. Directions below.
4. Make tassels for the ends of your ties. Directions below.
5. Make a pom pom for the top of your hat, or, make a short tie and another tassel. Directions below.

Making the ties:

You will be knitting a tiny cylindrical tube:
1. Turn your hat upside down and find the tip of one ear flap.
2. Using a crochet needle make three loops through the bottom three stitches to cast on to a double pointed needle.
3. Push the three stitches to the right edge of that needle.
4. Knit the three stitches.
5. Slide the three stitches to the right end of the needle again.
6. Knit the three stitches.

TIP: Weight helps lengthen the tie. As you knit, let your hat hang from the needles as much as you can.

7. Repeat this pattern until the tie is at least 8” long. Adjust the length and tension of any loops or stitches that look too big or small by gently pulling the stich next to it.
8. Cast off with waste yarn.
9. Repeat and knit the tie for the other ear flap.


Making the tassel: You will make two:

1. I use three fingers to wrap 25 loops of yarn tightly around them.
2. Cut the yarn.
3. Slide the loops off gently, keeping them in the big circle of yarn.
4. Cut a 5” piece of yarn.
5. Slide it through the center of the circle and tie it tightly with a double knot at the top so that the tails of the string are even.
6. Cut a second piece of yarn and tie it about ¼” below the top tie, as though this piece creates a wee bodice for the tassel. Double wrap the yarn before you tie it very tightly. Pull through any strands that aren’t laying neatly and evenly with the others for a uniform effect.
7. Cut the bottom end of the tassel and trim any outliers so that the ends are even.

Attaching the tassels to the ties:

8. Using your crochet needle, pull one top tail on the top of the tassel through the three loops onto waste yarn at the end of the tie.
9. Tie the two tassel yarn tails tightly at the base of the tie with a double knot.
10. Using your crochet needle, pull the tassel tie tails down though the ‘bodice’ tie for them to join the other yarn in the tassel. Pull the ‘bodice’ ties down as well. Trim to make them even.


Making the pom pom:

I like a smaller pom pom, but it you want a bigger one, use more fingers or a wider base to wrap your yarn, like a piece of cardboard or something.
1. Wrap at least 100 loops, I made 125 loops, around 4 fingers. Cut the yarn.
2. Cut a 5” piece of yarn to double wrap and double knot tie very tightly around the center of the loops. You will create a figure 8 shape.
3. Cut both ends of the 8 to free the yarn. Use your fingers to even the spokes. Trim the ends like a hairdresser to make the pom pom round. Remember that the bottom, where the tails are, will sit flat on the hat.

Attaching the pom pom to the hat:

1. Holding your hat up with one fist inside, decide where the tails of your pom pom knot will enter the top. They should go in close to the center hole.
2. Lay the hat down and using your crochet needle from inside the hat, pull the pom pom yarn tails into the hat on either side of the top hole.
3. Double wrap and double knot the tails tightly, pulling the pom pom down onto the top of the hat.
4. Cut the excess tails.
5. Weave the ends into the body of the hat.


The PATTERN There are many options for patterns. You can make a solid colored hat, you can do stripes, or you can do pattern knitting with creative stitches (but you would need to YouTube this-I can’t do any fancy stitching.) I made stripes and hearts which I will describe here.

I began my pattern after the first 15 rows of the hat knit to center the pattern on the body of the hat.

Stripes and hearts:

1. Choose the colors, the thickness and the number of stripes you would like to have. I chose 6 colors and knit one row each. But you can do whatever you like!
2. After the last stripe, I returned to my base color as the background and began my heart design. The hearts are 6 rows tall, and 7 stitches wide, plus one stitch between for spacing.

3. I did some math to figure out how to center the hearts on the hat. I divided 102 by 8 and got 12.75. This told me I could have 12 hearts on the hat and that there would be 3 stitches on each end before and after the pattern, 12 x 8: 96, 102 – 96 = 6, 6 divided by 2 =3.
4. When I began the heart pattern, I carried two colors of yarn in my fingers, the background and the contrast color, as I knit. I knit the first 6 stitches (3 on the ends of the pattern and 3 as part of the contrast to the heart) in background color. On stitches 7, 15, 23, 31, 39, 47, 55, 63, 71, 79, 87 and 95 (every 8 stitches) I knit the contrast color. Yes, you have to count on this row!

TIP: Don’t pull the two colors too tightly or they will destroy your tension.

Always turn the color that is not in use up and out of the way, to allow the yarn to lay flat on the inside of the hat. It keeps the yarn from tangling and allows the rows with multiple colors to stay neater.

5. On the next row, I knit the background color and then I knit three stiches in contrast, above the single stitch on the row below.
6. On the next row, 5 stitches were in contrast, above the three below.
7. On the next row, I knit 7 stiches in contrast.
8. On the next row, I knit 3 in contrast, then 1 background, then 3 to form the top of the heart.
9. On the last row of the heart, I knit 1 contrast above each 3 to finish it. Cut the contrast yarn.
10. Then I knit one row of background to make the hearts pop.
11. I finished my pattern by reversing the order of the colors of my stripes.
Note: when switching colors and knitting in the round, there was a gap in the back of the hat where the colors changed. I closed the gap after I finished knitting the body by tying the end tails together tightly, matching colors, and then weaving them back into the body of the hat.

I hope this pattern works well for you. If you notice any problems, typos, or confusing instructions, please email me: jenhardy58@gmail.com and I will try to clarify or correct. Please note, this is not a completely original design. This pattern was created with the help of Ouisha Mckinney of Ouisha Designs, who creates amazing hats and headbands by machine, and Roxanne Richardson, a hand knitter I found on YouTube. Also, if you try using the pattern, please send me a photo of your finished hat.

My Horse Has EPM. Why did it take four months to get this diagnosis?

It had been my lifelong dream to have a horse of my own. At 59, my dream came true when I adopted Dance With Joy, an unraced Thoroughbred filly. Last year, I bought a second horse, Ferdinand, through my trainer, because Joy's many lameness issues often leave her un-ridable. I wanted a horse I could enjoy, lesson with and compete. While I am very grateful to have two, lovely, fun, beautiful horses, I have also been extremely unlucky because both have had numerous, serious issues.

While Joy was off work and resting for most of 2019, Ferdinand's own issues began in September when he got a bad abscess. He was lame for almost two weeks. Gradually, Ferdinand recovered and was sound for a few weeks, just before things gradually got bad and weird. He developed what seemed to be a traveling lameness, sometimes in front, sometimes behind, sometimes right, sometimes left. In November, his hind end seemed to give out, and riding him at the trot felt as though he had two flat tires behind. He was worse in our sand arena than on grass, and he tended to stumble behind quite a bit.

Ferdinand was seen by three experienced riding instructors, two chiropractors, a professional saddle fitter, our podiatrist farrier, two magna wave technicians, and two highly recommended local veterinarians. Still, it took more than four months to obtain a definite diagnosis for him.

On February 1st, 2020, Ferdinand was diagnosed with EPM after a third vet performed a spinal tap.

EPM stands for Equine Protozoal Myeloencephaliti. Most folks reading this article will know that many horses in the USA are exposed to the protozoa that cause the illness-from the feces of the opossum-but that most do not get sick. Those that do are thought to have compromised immune systems. Blood tests for EPM can produce false results, in our case, a negative result. Ferdinand was negative for Lyme's as well. Additionally, symptoms of EPM can mimic those of other illnesses. This makes EPM tricky to diagnose.

After Ferdinand's blood tests came back negative but his clinical symptoms persisted, his primary vet suggested that we perform a spinal tap to obtain definitive results before performing other expensive tests on his hind end. This involved a trip to the clinic, an invasive procedure and a bill for $731. However, it was well worth the trouble and cost to finally know what was wrong with him.

Some people who have had experience with EPM do not bother to test for it, but simply treat it and look for improvement. Dr. Sam Crosby, an Oklahoma vet with vast EPM experience, is one who has stopped performing blood tests because of the many false negatives. He believes that new strains of EPM are not detectible in blood serum and opts for spinal taps if possible. A trainer on FaceBook posted a video of her personal EPM body check that she uses to diagnose and then treat horses that come into her barn. Other videos can point owners towards things to check when trying to determine if a horse may have EPM.

Since Ferdinand's diagnosis, I have been reading everything I can about EPM. The science is very complex and there are many possible treatments and many possible outcomes for afflicted horses. One source of information I came across is an EPM FaceBook group. In reading multiple posts, I observed two things. First, many horse owners are extremely observant and notice even the tiniest changes in their horses' behaviors. Second, people were posting similar symptoms and behaviors. It occurred to me that if we sorted and categorized the behaviors we owners were seeing or had seen, that perhaps we could help others who might be in the midst of trying to identify a horse's particular illness get pointed in the direction of an EPM diagnosis. This is important because early diagnoses give horses the best chance for recovery.

Here is a list some of the symptoms and behaviors that I gathered from responses to my non-scientific survey ( a post on the FB group) of owners and trainers who have horses with EPM:

HIND END
Tail:
· weak, wishy, tail muscle
· tail cocked to one side
· absence of tail swishing
Standing:
· standing with one hind leg up or crossed while eating
· resting a back leg
· unable to hold up a hind foot for long
· struggling to stand for the farrier
· parking out in cross ties
· difficulty standing squarely
· leaning on a vehicle for support

FRONT END:
· jerking front legs while being shod
· dropping a shoulder while a foot is lifted
· front legs buckling during sleep
· tripping up front

MOVING:
· balking leaving stall
· a lack of confidence walking
· feeling sluggish, weak, disconnected behind
· moving rear end stiffly
· lack of push from behind
· dragging a toe
· stumbling and falling out behind
· intermittent stumbling
· weak, sore stifles
· changes in movement
· short stridedness
· inconsistency in movement
· 'behind the leg' when ridden
· head tossing
· high head

BEHAVIORS:
· running fence line
· acting naughty for the farrier
· kicking stall walls
· pulling back from trailer
· acting aggressively
· acting grumpy
· seeming miserable
· seeming 'checked out'
· spooking
· lethargy
· depression
· lack of frolicking in the field
· increased reactivity to sounds
· intolerance for fly spray

OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
· sore back
· muscle atrophy
· abnormal sweating
· jaw stretching before eating grain
· lifting a leg while eating
· dropping grain
· increased need for dental floating
· molar tilting
· intolerance for mane being pulled
· muscle wasting, asymmetrically
· weight loss
· colic post vaccinations
· anxiety at girthing; sinking withers
· absence of fly twitching
· curly fur

TIMING:
· Have you recently wormed your horse?
· Have you recently vaccinated your horse?

In addition, Dr. Sam Crosby, mentions horses in his practice who presented with:
· inability to hold chiropractic adjustments, for example, needing 6 treatments in 2 months
· frequent bouts of colic

Dr. Crosby understands that many owners cannot afford to have spinal taps performed on horses to diagnose EPM and has developed his own test, which includes four acupuncture points. I'd love to know what that test is!

The above list of observations and behaviors can be seen on horses with other illnesses as well as in perfectly healthy horses. What horse doesn't rest one leg? for example. I think the important aspect of the list is to think about changes in behavior and the possible indication that a horse may have EPM. It is important to obtain a diagnosis because if left untreated, the horse's condition significantly worsens. EPM is treatable and horses fair best if the disease is caught early.

Had I known that Ferdinand's lethargy + his being behind my leg + his weak tail + his curly fur + his apparent depression + the lack frolic in the field + his sudden and worsening lameness behind + his stumbling behind + his head tossing + his high head in the bridle + his back pain + his lifting a leg while eating + his recent vaccination/boosters could all have been indications of EPM, I could have requested that Ferdinand be tested months ago. But, I didn't know.

So, that is why I have written this article. I hope it may help another horse owner with a puzzle of symptoms as mine, and many horses have had.

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For The New Owners:

Our Story of 307 Stratford Road

We discovered Ditmas Park year ago when we got lost trying to find a party at Ira and Tracey's apartment in Kensington. We were on the wrong side of McDonald Avenue looking for Albemarle Road, and we were amazed by what we saw. At the time, I made a mental note to remember the beautiful neighborhood in which we found ourselves.

As a new mother, I was experiencing a rather sudden nesting instinct and very much wanted to have a house of our own. We were renting in Boerum Hill at the time. I began looking at ads for houses in the Times each Sunday-long before there was the Internet for searches. One Sunday, we got a Brooklyn edition of the paper, (rather than the Manhattan edition,) and the real estate listings were numerous and included many open houses in the area. I began attending with Elsa in my arms, and became known to local realtors as 'the lady with the baby.'

That summer, there were six listings of interest to us, all in the $200 to 300K range. I fell in love with a dreadful home in terrible shape on Westminster Road that our engineer nixed immediately. During our Maine vacation afterwards, Jonathan I reflected on our other options. We decided that a house with a double parlor would best suit our needs for a music room and a living room. We realized that the house we should buy was 307.

Amazingly, when we returned to the city, the house with the double parlor was still available and now FSBO. We visited again, made an offer that was accepted, somehow qualified for a mortgage and closed just before Thanksgiving in 1993. Elsa had just turned one.

To our friends and family, the house seemed huge-6 bedrooms! But I knew that by comparison, ours was a tiny Ditmas Park house. The rooms were small and there were only 1 1/2 bathrooms. But I thought it was perfect for us. I remember asking myself, "Who are we? Rockefellers? This house is plenty big." I often find that we tend to believe in 'less being quite enough'.

After we closed, I was anxious to invite my mother's group over to see the house. They oohed and ahhed and told me to put gates on the stairs right away to protect Elsa from falling. Instead, I taught Elsa how to climb up and down the stairs safely. I modeled turning towards the stairs on my knees, and crawling down step by step. She learned right away and never had a problem!

At the time, there wasn't much happening commercially on Cortelyou Road. We were thrilled when Cinqo de Mayo opened and we finally had a restaurant that we could walk to-and a good one, too! We spent most of our time and did all of our shopping in Park Slope, but I didn't mind because I always had a parking space when I got home, in my driveway! 

Slowly we noticed that the old ladies with stockings and shopping carts in our neighborhood were being replaced by younger families with strollers. The first new mom I met was Kasia, and her baby Justin. My mentor neighbor was Marilyn, mother of Hannah and Molly, who set me up with Doreen for childcare, nursery schools and later, art classes in her home! We soon met Soap Opera Alice, who was really on a soap opera, mother of Anna and Julia, and whom everyone's husband was swooning over. Nancy and Bob were our Brady-bunch family who combined their kids from previous marriages and then adopted three more! They kindly shared their daughter Amelia with us and she became a sister to Elsa. Wendy, next door, had older girls, Kelly and Lindsay. Doris, too, had older children, Kiwi and Jennifer. Soon, there was also Sara and Mike with Allegra and Marco, Julie Sullivan and her brood of four,  who was replaced when she moved by Marcia, Stephen, Graham and Jamie. We also got Mary and Tony with Harris and Adrian and eventually, Ira and Tracey, the folks from Kensington, joined us in Ditmas Park and had Gus and Nattie. We added Jeremy to our family, a Ditmas Park bred, in July 1995. But the best for the neighborhood was the addition of Coco and Bruce and their three daughters, Vanessa, Vivian and Vera, and the advent of a weekly front-porch Happy Hour and much later, First Acoustics, a music concert series, right across the street! Coco brought everyone she knows together: neighbors, friends, Unitarians, family and talented (some famous) musicians!

Our back yard was the perfect setting for birthday parties. Both of our children have summer birthdays and they each had parties at home for many years. I have saved the handmade invitations I sent out each year in their baby books. Halloween is an especially fun time in the neighborhood. Lots of folks come from other neighborhoods to trick or treat. One year, Jonathan gave out candy with no costume on, just a headband designed to look like he had a knife stuck through his skull. It was so funny! When Elsa was 13, she worked as a mother's helper. One Easter, she planned an Easter party for all of the little kids she knew. She lead lots of activities and gave out prizes and gifts and conducted an egg hunt in our back yard. She did this all by herself!

One of my favorite aspects of our new house was its proximity to Prospect Park. We spend many a Saturday at the Parade Grounds watching and refereeing soccer games. We also rode the loop on our bikes quite often. Later, we became regulars at the dog run in the Nethermead. One year, Elsa received horseback riding lessons for Christmas and rode a few times at Kensington Stables.

Finding suitable schools for our kids was an issue and we neighbors moved in all different directions. Marilyn sent her kids to a gifted program in Canarsie. Marcia's kids were grandfathered in at PS 321. Some families joined the mini school at our zoned PS 139. Others opted for PS 217 with a variance. I wanted a more progressive school and chose PS 261 in District 15 for Elsa. Later, our whole family moved to Brooklyn New School. Many families in our neighborhood eventually joined the BNS family as well.

Jonathan and I drove to BNS each day, but when our kids began attending other schools, they became Q train experts. I remember racing to the Church Avenue station many mornings with Elsa, trying to catch the 7:04 that would get her to Beacon High School by 8:00am.  Before the MTA had cell phone service, on their ways home from the city, our kids would 'call from the bridge' to arrange for pick up at Beverley Road so they didn't have to walk home after dark. Jeremy had more than one unpleasant incident coming home from the train, so we tried to make ourselves available to pick them up when ever they were coming home late.

One interesting fact about 307 is that for many years, the house was  not connected to the main sewer line. Our plumbing emptied out into a pit under the front yard! (We always wondered why there was a sink hole in the middle of the lawn!) When we became aware of this, we had to have a line to the city's sewer pipe installed. This cost $10K that we did not have. Thankfully my mother was able to help us out.

When we bought 307, it was blue and covered with asbestos shingles. The porch windows were trimmed with white window boxes with read hearts glued on. Inside were plastic red flowers. The front door was painted red as well.  We promptly had it stripped. The day after we closed, Jonathan arrived with a crew of painters before the seller, Gussie, and her family had left. It was so awkward! The painters began stripping Gussie's living room wall paper right in front of her. She and a neighbor were horrified and yelled at the painters to stop. Jonathan explained that he had hired these men and that he was paying them by the hour. Gussie and her friend moved outside. Thankfully, I was not there to witness that.

In 2006, we replaced the roof and decided to cover the house with vinyl siding to avoid having to paint every year or two. We chose beige siding, but I often wonder if I should have chosen grey to blend in better with the houses on either side of us. The roofers added a layer of insulation under the siding which we hoped would make the house more energy efficient. After we got the siding, Jonathan spent a few days every summer washing his house with soapy brushes and a power spray on the hose. The house looked freshly painted each fall.

Years later, the new pipe to the main line was compromised by tree roots and had to be replaced. Again, our lawn was torn up and we decided to replace the grass with a perennial garden to support the environment as many friends and neighbors were doing. Jonathan spent weeks carefully and slowly digging up the remaining roots from the grass, literally inch by inch, and breaking up clumps of soil. When all of the soil was lose, we designed the garden and planted flowering bushes that would bloom all year long. Many neighbors assumed that Tracey, the neighborhood gardener, designed our lawn. I always proudly explained that Jonathan, too, is a great garden designer!

When I asked Jonathan about his favorite 307 story, he recalled the day long ago when Elsa came to him and said, "Daddy, my metal straw went down the drain." He had to disconnect the drain from the kitchen sink to retrieve the straw, which took considerable doing.

I remember another day, just after we bought the house, that Jonathan says changed his life. We were having a problem with the faucet in the kitchen and Jonathan called a plumber who came, unscrewed the screen, rinsed it out, replaced it and charged him $100 for 5 minutes of work. That was the last time Jonathan called a repairman.

Elsa recalled another story. Once, a neighbor, Willa, was all dressed up to attend a wedding. She was crossing the street and Elsa, Kayla (Amelia's young daughter) and I were watching from an open 3rd floor window. We thought Willa looked beautiful, so we hollered out the window and told her that her dress was lovely. I then muttered to Elsa that I did not especially like Willa's shoes. Kayla then hollered out, "But Jenny hates your shoes!"

When Jeremy was a teenager, he learned how to sneak out of the house after Jonathan and I had gone to sleep. I had bells on the front and back doors, but Jeremy could silently climb out of his bedroom window, onto the roof of the kitchen, and then shimmy his way down to the deck railings. He and a naughty friend would be out and about the neighborhood, doing naughty things like egging houses. One night, Jeremy was returned to us in a patrol car at 4am. That was quite a shock! Had I known, I would have had bells on the windows, too.

In the back yard, there is a mulberry tree next to Wendy's fence. I planted this tree years ago because as a third grade teacher at BNS, we taught an Ancient China curriculum in the fall each year. As part of the study, we raised silk worms. Silk worms only eat mulberry leaves, and finding leaves in Brooklyn in the fall is tricky. We teachers often found ourselves trespassing onto private properties all over Brooklyn to pick mulberry leaves from people's trees for the worms in school. So I ordered a mulberry tree from a nursery for our yard. It was years before the tree produced enough leaves to feed the worms, and by that time, I was no longer teaching third grade. Recently the third grade abandoned the Ancient China study and no longer raises silkworms. Now our tree has plenty of leaves.

We planted many trees on the property. I consider the trees to be my legacy. In front of the garage, there are two cedar trees that were barely the height of the chain link fence when they were put in. The flowering cherry tree along the same fence was also a baby that grew fast. It grew so fast that our next door neighbor on the Cortelyou side, Mac, was concerned that the tree was allowing squirrels to enter his eaves. One day while we were at work, he had the limbs on his side chopped off, leaving it lopsided, and, in my opinion, ruined. Distraught, I went to the police, but there was nothing they would do for me. Sadly, that ended our friendship. I hope you have a better relationship! Fortunately, nature is strong and the tree bounced back. You will enjoy beautiful pink blossoms from this tree, early each spring.

I am most proud of the flowering dogwood in the front yard. It was the very first tree I planted. For years I waited for it to grow taller than the porch, as Dot and Vinnie's is at the corner of Stratford and Slocum. The dogwood grew slowly because the gardener who planted it, an old Italian man from Bensonhurst, left the iron cage around the root ball when he placed it in the soil. Apparently, this was the practice, to slow the growth while increasing the number of blossoms each spring. The tree does have many blossoms each year and, recently, the tree top branch poked out above the porch!

There was also a huge tree in the yard behind us that became weak and unhealthy. With each storm, limbs fell, endangering us and other neighbors. The owner of the property was elusive and unresponsive, and it was not until Jonathan threatened her on the phone that she finally had the tree cut down. Our previously shady back yard suddenly became sunny and exposed the yellow house behind it. It might be a good idea to plant some fast growing trees along the back fence line, now that they can get sun, to obscure that house.

Stratford Road is a street that has had more than its share of drama. In addition to torrid love affairs amongst the trash cans, subsequent divorces, runaway children and gender transitions, there have been two murders. Yes! The first was the famous John Giuca case. The son of our beloved babysitter, Doreen, was convicted of felony-murder in the death of a CT college student named Mark Fisher. The case was all over the news and dragged on for years, through the tumultuous trail. It was hard for all of us to believe that our babysitter's sweet son would grow up and be involved in something so awful and serious! Doreen insists that John is innocent, of course, and many neighbors agree with her. The second murder happened at the corner of Stratford and Beverley in the white house-a tragic case of domestic violence. The house has since been sold and the new owner has fixed it up extensively. I often wonder what happened to the two children who lost their mother, and whose father is imprisoned.

We have famous people in the neighborhood. Michelle Williams lives on Albemarle Road. Some Hollywood folks bought the house at Rugby and Albemarle and do a huge Halloween shin-dig. Many, many houses are used for TV and movie sets. Coco's house was used to film parts of The Squid and the Whale and I spent hours seated on my porch watching for stars to enter and exit the house. Mary's house was used for a month for a Queen Latifa movie. Alice teases that her house makes more in the business than she does since she was killed off of her soap opera. Our house has never been selected for a site so I just toss the flyers in the recycling, but you may get lucky!

Our family has many, many fond memories that we will cherish of our experiences at 307. When we decided to relocate, our children begged us to keep the house for them and for their future families. But we did not fancy the idea of being long-distance landlords. Plus, we believe that it is fitting that a new, young family enjoy the house to create new memories and stories of its own. Elsa and Jeremy will find new communities of friends of their own, just as we did when we found Stratford Road. 

Elsa, Jeremy, Jonathan and I wish you every happiness! We hope you are healthy, warm and comfortable in your new home.

The Friend Break Up

One of my many jobs as a first grade teacher was to console a sobbing child after a classmate had said these words: I am not your friend anymore. Over the years, in my classroom, we had many emergency meetings during which I tried to give my young students the language they needed to express specific feelings such as I feel angry at you because... and When you did X, I felt sad... rather than revert to the age-old traditional threat of the indefinite cut-off.

I find it somewhat ironic that I, at age 59, find myself the recipient of the very same statement, I can't be your friend anymore... from a dear friend of more than 35 years.

I am cut off. We are done. I get no vote. I got the hand. I get no second chance. I get no rebuttal. I have no opportunity to apologize. Nothing I say will matter. She doesn't care. She is done with me. Forever.

What I did get from her, unlike my six-year-old former students, was an honest explanation for the somewhat sudden, but in hindsight (if I am to be honest) slow removal of any signs of friendship between us for several months. There were no phone calls, no emails, (she doesn't text) and no invitations to participate in events with mutual friends. There were no questions, How are you? How's it going? How are you transitioning to a new city? To retirement? Then, there were no responses to calls, to emails and to Facebook messages. I noticed an absence of 'likes' to her posts and answers to direct questions I posted on her wall. There were no visits to the barn, invitations to ride together, no more suggestions that we have lunch at Cracker Barrel or to get mani-pedi's, all things we used to do, or planned to do together. A search of my email history found our last contact was months ago.

Slowly, it began to dawn on me that something was very wrong between us, but I had no idea what it might be.

Recently a mutual friend sent a group email inviting us to watch her husband play soccer in an adult league. The email was initiated by my friend, and forwarded to my husband and me by the recipient. Once my friend saw that my husband I had been invited to participate, she declined to join us. To me, this was solid evidence that I had been crossed off of her 'will be willing to participate with' list. I thought that we may be done. But I didn't want this to be the case.

Afterwards, I wondered for a long while what to do with this information. After all, there was still a teeny possibility that this was all in my imagination-unlikely-but possible. Ok, maybe I was in denial.

One day, I had occasion to drive through my friend's neighborhood on my way to an appointment. I decided to stalk and see if her car was in her driveway. I had decided that if it was, I would pop-in, casually, and see what was up with her.

I turned onto her street. I searched for her house. I saw her car. She was home. I pulled up behind her car and cut my engine. I took a deep breath. I opened my door and looked up. She did not come to her door. I got my dog out of the back seat of the car and looked again at her door. No face. I walked up to the house and knocked on the plexi-glass portion of her screen door. It took a moment, but she came to the door, a bit slowly, as if dreading the exchange once she saw me. I wondered if she had expected this-for me to stop by one day. This did not seem to be the case.

I looked up and smiled. I said hello. She held the door open with her hand. I asked what she was up to and she responded that she was about to have dinner and offered me spaghetti squash. I thanked her and told her I was on my way somewhere and that I didn't want to disturb her dinner. She stepped out and closed the door. I asked her how she had been and then, looking up three stairs at her, I asked it, the burning question, the reason for the pop-in.

"Is everything okay?" She knew I meant 'between us.'

She paused and looked me dead in the eye and said, with her hand up,

"No."

"You are too negative. I am trying to be positive."

She pronounced it: pos-it-tive.

"You are negative. You have too much drama in your life."

Negative? Drama? I almost laughed!

This friend used to be one of the most negative people I've ever known.  Hard to take sometimes, even. Seriously?

Recently, she has done a great job of turning her outlook around. We have spoken at length, often, about the importance of positivity and the devastating effects of negativity. We both had enormously negative mothers and we have both worked really hard to redirect and simplify our lives. We have both striven for contentment and happiness.

But, compared to my friend, I always felt as though I was the ray of sunshine.  

I'm too negative?

Me?

I was almost relieved to know that my 'negativity' was the reason for the break-up. I had concerns that she may have thought I was stupid or that I had unknowingly said or done something to offend her.

"Drama?" I asked.

"Yes, drama. Your dog, your horse, it's too much. I want to be positive."

Our dog had recently run away and I made rather a big deal about him and other lost pets on Facebook. I was trying to be supportive of others going through loss like mine, but I can see how the re-posts came across as negative and sad.

Still, almost immediately afterwards, I felt hurt and stung by her words. She was dismissing me for having problems, as though I was an inconvenience, not fun, too needy. I felt confused, too, because I thought friends cared about each other and that the job of a friend is to help and be supportive when someone is in trouble. I remember distinctly helping her through some thorny break ups, including her marriage, the deaths of each of her parents, the rejection of potential suitors and the loss of her job and back pay.

It is also the case that she had begun to pull back her friendship long before my dog got lost. We last hung out in March. My last email from her was sent in June. She did, surprisingly, come to one party at our house in July but that was our last reciprocated contact. It is October.

I looked up at her, silently choking, and thanked her for her honesty. I wanted to defend myself and I wanted to argue, but I knew that would only make me look more desperate and needy. My goal was to leave with grace. I said goodbye, turned, and walked back to my car.

I drove to my appointment with tears streaming down my cheeks. I was relieved that this friend wasn't home to see me.

Since our conversation, I experience waves of grief and sadness. I also feel sorrow, shame and disbelief. It's ridiculous.

I am amazed that losing my friend hurts this much. The feeling is similar to a boyfriend break up, but, actually, it is worse. I guess we have higher expectations for our female friends.

I Googled this topic and read a few, very helpful articles on the subject. Afterwards, I decided to write my story. I have never experienced anything like this but I'm sure others have. I am curious to see what the response to my sharing will be, if any.

My friend and I have been friends, really good friends, for over 35 years. We met in our twenties. We worked together for quite a character of a horse trainer. We spent Christmases together with her crazy family, events which provided us with inside jokes and stories that are still funny and which no one else understands. She moved to our city because of me. She called us when she eloped. One really good mutual friend died and we consoled each other on the phone. We wrote letters to each other. Hers was always the first Christmas card we received each season. We rode horses together. We shared meals together. She introduced me to many fun restaurants in town. She introduced me to her closest friends...

And, now what? What about those friends? Do I lose them in the custody battle? Do I tell them what happened and out her? If I do, will they dump me or phase me out, too? Might they take up for me and confront her, telling her that they think she's crazy because I'm fun? And what if any of those friends also become too burdensome or irritating to her? Will she cross them off the list as well? Will she end up alone? Doesn't she need us? Doesn't she need me?

No, she does not. Long ago we made plans for day trips once I moved down. There were lots of things we planned to do together, to which I was really looking forward. It is clear that she has abandoned these ideas. She does not want to be around me and she will not miss me. She will never look back. I know. I have seen her do this to other people. I just never thought I would be one of them.

I am lucky. (A positive stance, no?) I have a loving husband. I have two children who are amazing and beautiful. I have a lovely home. I have other friends, some old, some new. I have a new, devoted dog and I have a horse, albeit one with many problems. I have many acquaintances, any of which may blossom into new friendships. I hope they will.

Still, I will miss my dear old friend.

My dear friend on a happy day