I Lost 20 Pounds! (In 4 months…)

This past summer, I was feeling fed up with myself about my weight. I felt that I was surrounded by people who had wrestled control of their body weight, and, who were feeling and looking good.  I was ready.

I considered joining Weight Watchers, again, but decided against it because going to meetings is time consuming and weighing in is stressful for me. It just doesn’t work. I didn’t feel that I would be successful.

On TV, Dr. Oz has a new plan for successful weight loss each week, but none felt just right to me. I’m not sure I trust a person who embraces 52 weight-loss methods per year.

So, I Googled other options. I found a blog post by a woman whom I do not know and cannot contact other than via twitter (I will ask my son to help with this.) The title is: HOW I LOST 20 POUNDS IN ONE MONTH.  That wasn’t my goal, but I read the article anyway. What I learned from this woman is that everyone one is different. What works for one person, may not work for another. Each of us must figure out what will work for us.

This is so true! I know what my Weight Watcher diet is, even if I’m not participating in a plan. I know how many points I can have, and I know how much food and what kinds of foods I can eat each day.

I also know that I must exercise regularly. I needed to develop a sustainable weekly exercise plan that is enjoyable. I do two yoga classes each week and I run one to three times a week, weather and daylight permitting.

The blog woman said to develop a daily morning workout routine. She does 20 minutes per day. I cannot do 20 minutes per day on workdays, but I can do 5 minutes per day. That’s workable. I developed one, that meets my needs, and that takes 5 minutes. And I do it everyday.

I did not lose 20 pounds in one month. I lost 20 pounds in 4.5 months. But, I lost 20 pounds! And I feel great! Having clothes fit well feels better than any food tastes.

What is interesting to me is that my weight was so, very important to my mother my whole life. She was constantly disappointed that I was not thin and fit. As much as I wanted to be so, it was impossible for me, despite 35 years of trying. I had a few temporarily successful attempts at weight loss, but none lasted long.

However, this summer, when my mother could not notice or acknowledge, finally, my success, I was able to stick to my goals and to reach my goal weight.

I guess I did this for me and not for my mother or for anyone else.

Go, me!

Good to know:

·     After a person dies at home, you call the primary care doctor to inform her/him.

·     Then you call Hospice, to alert the Hospice doctor and the Hospice team.

·     Then you find a crematorium or funeral home to take the body away. We used Greenwich Village Funeral Home. They came after four hours and were respectful and efficient. They prepared the death certificates for us and had them ready after four days. But we still have no ashes after 7 days. This is not cool, IMHO. (I don’t want the ashes, but my daughter does.)

·     Then you clean out the house of the deceased and try to put it on the market. (I’m leaving the furniture so that the apartment shows better. All of my mother’s possessions went to a holiday fair to benefit a church that we love.) We had help from close friends and family and we worked like dogs, through dust, to get this job done.

·     Then, daily, you answer many emails and calls from people that knew the deceased (even if you don’t) and you are polite and comforting and you describe the end in as much or little detail as you see fits the person calling.

·     In your down time, when you are not working, you try to process the reality of the fact that your parent is dead.

·     You call your therapist and see if you can be seen. My therapist was able to make time for me (suddenly, thankfully) and I will see her next week

·     You may call your spiritual care counselor to touch base with that person. With VNS/Hospice, you get one session. I also have appointment with my mother’s spiritual care counselor for next week.

·     You get legal counsel. I have an appointment with OUR attorney for next week to transfer funds, accounts, deeds, etc. I have no idea how to do this myself. I hope that he will help me.

·     You ask your spouse/partner to call the bank, SS, insurance companies, etc. and deal with being on hold for four days, only to be told that the funeral home has already notified them of your parent’s passing.

Post Mortem

What I find most interesting about the 9 days since my mother passed away is the sadness I feel.

Many people have been sympathetic and supportive, and as a result, things have seemed surreal. I get hugs at work, cards in the mail, emails from people I do not know and many phone calls-some from folks feeling guilty for not knowing or for not having been in touch and then, I am comforting them. Interesting.

But, somehow, hearing from all of these people makes me feel sadder because they are so sad. I wonder if I would feel as sad just on my own, without the influence of the outsiders.

Most of the outsiders view my mother as this magical, amazing person. It’s wonderful and refreshing! Some cherish moments with her, meaningful conversations and pure joy about who she was for them. It’s fantastic.

But, I think maybe these amazing reviews of who my mother was for them makes me feel hollow and empty inside. I am partially sad because she was not this way for me for a long time-quite the opposite in fact. And I am partially sad because other people feel attachments and loyalty to her that make them closer in some ways, and yet not close at all in that they were not around in the end and did not experience the real person that those who were close to her did. I feel false in pretending to feel as much of a loss and sadness as they supposedly feel.

It’s all so complicated!

And, despite my anger and resentment, my regrets and my remorse, I am stunned by the suddenness and the finality of my mother’s death. The person that I have had to contact daily, to worry about and to monitor, to deal with, to negotiate with and to argue with, is now gone. I am free from responsibility, but I am also alone now. I cannot speak to her ever again, either to complain or to apologize. It’s over. Forever.

And that makes me sad.

Relieved, free, done.

But sad, too.

What happens after death for a hospice patient at home

Many elderly people die in hospitals and nursing homes, but that was not our experience and therefore, I cannot write about it.

My mother died in a hospice program at home, so I can only describe our experiences with this scenario.

Although my mother’s primary care physician was also her hospice doctor, this is rarely the case. Hospice also assigns a back up doctor, or hospice doctor, for patients in need of a doctor for their duration in hospice. Once my mother died, the home nurse(s) placed a call to hospice to report her death. My mother’s hospice doctor then “called it in” so that the death was recorded. I’m not sure who gets the call, but it is recorded somewhere.

We, at home, had to call a company to take my mother’s body away. She wanted us to use a crematorium, but the number she left was no longer active. We Googled places and found a funeral home in Greenwich Village that also cremates bodies. We call them, secured their services, and waited for them to come.

After about four hours, two men arrived with a long gurney to take my mother away. In the interim, each of us had spent time with her, kissing her, holding her hands and saying goodbye. By the time the men arrived, we were eating Mexican food and drinking wine and champagne, having and impromptu celebration of my mother’s life. The arrival of the funeral home men seriously dampened the mood of the house quite quickly. Interestingly, no doctor came to our house to declare the death. No body had to be transferred to the hospital for verification of the death, and no one seemed to check to see if the deceased was, in fact, actually dead.

Two days later, I went to this funeral home to pay the bill, to order death certificates (20 @ $15/each) and to pay for the cremation services.

The certificates take two days to come; the ashes take longer, like five days.

I do not have them yet. “We’ll CALL you,” they informed me.

OK. Thanks.

The funeral home is clean, fancy and attractive. The employees wear suits and ties and look very professional. We got special parking passes while we were there.

So, I have the 20 death certificates but no ashes.

My daughter has ideas for where the ashes should be spread. I am glad because I had no ideas and was not even going to ask for the ashes, or for a container for them.

We hope to get the ashes sometime this week.

I have no idea how we can possibly know for sure whose ashes we actually get. I’m also not sure I really want to think about this.

More details next post.